What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with me?

Today, I accidentally came across a video while on a binge-watch and it was someone talking about their depression and how they overcame it. I don’t what happened, but while watching, tears just started flowing from my eyes and down my face. For the first time in ages I gave my mind the chance to think and all it came out with was tears. Everything circled my head, so much so that it became deafening. I was not able to breath properly or move. All I did was sit, think and cry. The person, she was talking about how she fell into depression in the first place, and then how she began to overcome the things that her mind was telling her. She was able to reach a state of happiness where she would say that everything is going to okay. She was in Unicorn Island.

Watching this, my mind went to a completely different realm within my thoughts. It went berserk thinking of everything bad that I had done and everyone I had left behind. Questions began to appear, leaving me questioning all of my choices and my very existence as well. So here I was sat home alone and this video made me rethink my whole purpose and my whole life so far. You probably think that 15 years isn’t that long, but when every day feels like it’s going in slow-motion, then it seems like forever.

But the truth is, I want to be able to get to Unicorn Island too. I want to be happy with myself, I want to be happy with where I am and what I’m doing. But the one thing that’s holding me back is myself. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness. No, I’m scared of being happy. I’m scared that I won’t be the same person that I am. No matter how much I hate being myself, I would never want to be a completely different person. I’m scared of the outside world and what lies beyond the walls of my own home. I’m scared of what the future holds for me and if I will ever get to be the person that I’ve always wanted to be. I’m scared of the things I feel and I’m scared of my thoughts. I’m scared of thinking, I’m scared of the things in my head. I’m scared of myself.

I feel so lonely, like I’m the odd one out and everyone is staring. Everyone is looking at me like I’m an alien, and the people who I get close to see the real me and leave. I’m so very grateful for all the people that I have and I treasure everyone that stays by me. But even when I have all the people in the world, why do I feel so lonely, so empty inside? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’ve been pretending for so long that I’m okay, that when it all hits me at once I break down. Maybe I’ve stopped getting used to it. All the screams sound louder, all the thoughts seem to deafen me, more than before.

I can’t accept that maybe I shouldn’t be made to feel this way. I’ve lost all motivation, I no longer aspire to do good. I don’t know what I want to do, but I know for one thing that it’s not going to get any better. I feel like I’m on a downward spiral to my end. But I’m also scared of what is going to happen to me. I have a little bit of life in my dead soul that does nothing but worry about what is going to happen. The rest of me just doesn’t care and instead of fighting back, I’m lying there letting everything get to me. And nothing is doing anything against that.

The reason I wrote this post was for myself, because I was in a bad state physically and mentally and had no other way to turn. That is one of the reason I started to write as well because when I write, I seem like I’m free to create anything that I want to create. I can create a magical land far away and take people there with just my words. I can venture through the depths of the ocean or the furthest point on a map just by imagining. Writing helps me a lot, to just rant about everything and even if people judge me, I won’t see that. All I see is this screen with words on, I don’t see the people on the other end.

I don’t not want to be happy my whole life. I want to be able to live life to the fullest and be able to be proud of everything I have done. I want to adventure, I want to be free. I want to do so many things, but I’m holding myself back. I want to end everything because I don’t feel like I can do it anymore. I don’t feel like I’m doing anyone proud, and I don’t feel like I’m achieving any sort of purpose. I want to be happy, I want to change the world, but I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of myself.



I wander through these lonely streets, the rain pouring down, the rain washing away any hope left in my cold, dead heart. I am reminded of the people I left behind. They don’t care, and who does? They never did, and who will? They lied and left me, lying on the ground, crying, screaming out “help me, help me”, but no one could hear. The screams were silent while everyone thought I was fine. The memories they broke me down, each flashback cracked my bones until I could not walk anymore. The drained feeling I’m left with, nothing but regret haunts me. And no matter what I do, no amount of paracetamol can cure the pain I feel.

The laughter playing back in my head, but slow it down a bit, it sounds too happy. The screams, ah that’s more like it, deafen me but no one else can hear. It’s all inside this mind of mine, this torturing mind of mine, that has no purpose, no meaning, nothing. All it gives me is fear and pain and it doesn’t stop. STOP. I yell as I grip onto the sides of my head, hoping, praying that they would leave me alone. This headache, this migraine brings me to my knees. I hold on with all I have left, all this pain, hurt, disappointment. But no matter what I do, no amount of paracetamol can cure the pain I feel.

They say that people make your day, but what if all people do is ruin you in everything they say. They hide behind their words to disguise them, and when you’re not looking they explode, unleashing the very thing that was meant to be caged. They destroy with all their might, their pride standing as a barrier blocking out their morals. They pretend, they torture and until you find the ones who will stay around forever, they will never leave. But where are the ones who promised to stay, promised to stay around and be with you through it all, thick and thin. You left. I can’t blame them, I mean who would stay around for me?

Who said parents were of any help at all? They say that we never hear enough of your time at school and how you were getting along, where were you for me to tell you? Where were you? Where were you when I was punched, kicked, called names, slapped and told I was not worth it? Where were you when I believed them so much that I had convinced myself that I really did not deserve any happiness? Where were you when I cried myself to sleep because I didn’t want to stay around in this evil world for much longer? Where the hell were you when I relied on a stranger to keep me holding onto this life and then went on to became my only hope to carry on living? But you tell me to stay away from people who are bad and are a negative influence. Do you know them like I know them? Forget other people, do you know your own child who is really nothing more than an outsider? You know the worst thing about it, I asked you for help and you refused.

The memories of when you were here crush me, like an avalanche of remembrance all coming at once. They remind me of what we had now that it is gone. The only good that was present, saving me from all the lies and deceit that I’m being fed, has drifted, leaving me with no home, nothing. But the good thing, I will not regret anything I do, now that I have no one. In the world that forced me to be something that I’m not, I said no and stayed true to myself. What wrong did I do? What sin did I commit? I wish I was anywhere but here. Because now I’m left on this lonely earth by my lonely self and no matter what I do no amount of paracetamol can cure the pain I feel.

Wadz x


People lie, people cheat, people steal. People pretend to be something that they are not. Why? To protect themselves. They hide themselves from the outside world, scared of what they’ll think of them, scared of being judged. Scared that people will not accept them for who they are. They walk around by themselves, they sit alone, out of choice. You approach them, trying to be nice, trying to be a good person. They accept your friendship, they take your hand, with a grin on their face and a look in their eyes that could not be deciphered, of course it couldn’t be, you didn’t suspect anything.

People change. People promise you countless things. They promised that one day we will be free and away from reality. They said that we will be together forever, I promise. They said that one day when the world is finally on our side, me and you, we will own this town. We will show the world how to rule and we will leave everything, absolutely everything behind. They got so carried away, there’s no surprise you believed them.

People break your trust. They promised to never forget you and be friends, friends until the end, but where are they now? Why haven’t they spoke to you in a week, now two weeks and oh, a month. They stopped talking completely, they punish you in so many ways, why? Because you deserve it. Because the person you put all of your trust in was not the right person. But now, look where we are, oh that’s right, here we are in the future, trying to warn our past self. Trying to uncover the truth to them, trying to save them. But there’s no use, they can’t hear. They are too deaf to hear us over the sound of their trust. False hopes have been planted, and the seeds of deceit have been drawn. All there’s left now is to wait, wait for the bullet to hit.

People crush you. But no ordinary tools are used for that, oh no, they use you to crush yourself. You become angry with yourself, blaming everything on you. When in the corner, laughing at how much it is affecting you, is them. The cruel monster that they are, are sniggering in the corner, finding joy in your unhappiness. They brought you to the top, just so that when the time is right, you will trip over your own two feet.

People leave you. They leave you in the dark, the taunting, haunting dark. The dark that scares even your nightmares. They don’t care about the one, two, three slits on your wrists, I mean who would? They don’t care about the four, five, six tears that fall down your face, they never did. Where are they now? You don’t see them, but I do. I see them very clearly, at your side, but not your right side, I see them at your devil’s side.

People forget. People forget that you were ever on this lonely earth. They forget that at one point you were so close, closer than a mother is to her child. They forget that they left you in an alley, with no help, no friendship, no light to guide you. They forget when they saw the scars on your wrists and the tear stains down your cheek. They forget when they turned and walked the other way, turning a blind eye to what they had just witnessed. They forget when they heard your screams from round the corner, and looked to see you lying cold, dead, breathless on the floor. They forget when they saw the sirens from afar to take you away, and they fled, they ran to the end of the earth, trying to get the picture out of their head.

People escape. People walk away from you resting on the ground. They think that their lies and scams had finally pulled off. But what they don’t know, what they don’t see is that you are now at peace. You are away from the place that gave you nothing but sadness and tears. You are away from the people who gave you false hopes, false dreams, and false guidance. You are happy, above them all, watching over the people who destroyed the mortal you with lies, tricks and betrayal. You are content, watching them run away, fleeing from the people who wish to disclose them. They are tired, afraid, hopeless, just like you were.

Wadz x


It was all a lie

You know when you will find out who real friends are? When you hear about what they say behind your back. When you see them hiding in a corner whispering to someone, looking around every so often just to check if you’re around. They mention unnecessary things that don’t involve them, just to save their own back. That is when you realise that everything was a lie. That they did not deserve your friendship or your companionship. That’s when you realise that the one person who told you that they weren’t good for you, was right.

They would tell you to keep hold of your dreams and one day we will be free. They would say that we will travel the world together and be next to each other side-by-side, always. They would buy you gifts every so often just to make sure that you appreciate them. But now you know that it was all a lie and the gifts were just cover ups.

They would speak nice words to you and lift you up so high that you were practically floating on clouds. But every so often, one, then two words of pure hatred would leave their mouth. But you never noticed, until it was too late. And now you know that it was all a lie and the words were covers for what they really wanted to say.

They would advice you on how to live your life and when you question them, they would reply, trying very hard not to hurt or offend you. But now you know that it was all a lie and the replies were just disguises for what they really had on their mind.

You would tell them about love and how you fell for someone knowing that it was all wrong. They would help you to open up and express what is within yourself, because you would regret it in the end. But now you know that it was all a lie and the help was just a camouflage, hiding what they hated about you.

They would act like a true friend, who would stay till the very end. Who would grow old with you and laugh about the good times when you are weak and frail. But now you know that it was all a lie to mask their evil intentions to ruin you and everything you hold so dearly. And hell did they do a good job of covering it up. I almost didn’t see through them. Almost.

Wadz x

Beautiful words

You know what the great thing about blogging is? You can’t see a person. They might think that they are the worst-looking person in the world, but when they sit and type about the things that interest them, their words are beautiful. They are able to see beyond their imperfections and finally start to see the good in the world because other people are reading their words, and not judging based on looks. They read, enjoy, comment and share with others. They converse with others and finally start to become loved and actually feel like they are worth something.

People will appreciate them and appreciate what they do. Love them and love what they do, even though they have not seen them. Care about them and care about what they do, because as soon as you type that post, you are putting a piece of yourself on the internet. People will either take advantage of that, or will value it. If they value it, you carry on writing about whatever interests you. If they take advantage of it, you ignore them and carry on doing what you love.

They power of writing is that you are able to either change the world with it, or destroy everything. It’s your choice to make and your decision will be vital to you and to everyone who cares about you.

Words are so powerful and you can even fall completely in love with someone’s words so much so that you don’t care about what they look like, you like them for the person they are inside all of that skin. I mean, who are we to define beautiful or handsome or even ‘normal‘. What is normal? Normal is whatever you think of it to be.

“Normal is just an illusion, what’s normal to the spider is chaos for the fly.” ~ Charles Addams

This post had no structure or form whatsoever. I love it.


My opinion on love

Love? For me, I do not believe in love. That’s right, I do not believe in love. I don’t believe that someone can be totally obsessed with another person, just for the fact that they love them. I don’t know why and I don’t know how they find the need to live for someone else. If you want to live do it for yourself. No one else is going to come into your body and live your life for you, you are on your own from the day you are born till the day you fall to the earth and never awaken. If people can apparently make a huge impact on your life, then it must be a miracle.

It can lead to so many things that are just pointless wasting your time on. You can trust that person with all your heart and then at the end of the day, they choose someone else over you. Someone who is better looking, has a better personality and can actually have a conversation with another person without it ending in awkward silences. You might say that you will never know unless you have experienced it yourself, but why when there are much better things to do. For example, taking up new hobbies or watching T.V and playing games. Things that are not utter complete waste of your bloody minutes in this life.

You will take the blame for everything and keep saying to yourself that it was YOUR fault that they left and YOUR fault that they chose someone over you. This can be very damaging on your mental health and insanity, especially if you come in contact with this person every day.

You might have so much memories with that person that give you warm, fuzzy feelings every time you think about them. BUT once you start thinking too much all hell breaks loose. You turn into this mush of emotions, some telling you to move the hell on and some reminding you of the relationship you had with that person. You will cry and break down and it will take more than a trip around the world to stop you from thinking about them.

You will always have something that reminds you of them and every time you see that you will think about them. Even if they are wiped off the face of the earth and from all of existence, you will notice a black hole in your life, which can only be filled by them. At this point, you will probably be wishing for someone to punch you in the head and stab your cold, dead beating heart with a spork so that you can no longer feel anything anymore. Sounds like something you would want to waste your time on? I think not.

If you are a total romantic then please don’t take it too personally it is just something that I wanted to rant about because what better thing to do with your life. Thank you for reading this and I hope you have a great day!

Until the next time,

Wadz 😛

Good ol’ haters

Hello everyone!

I’ve been gone for so long and so much has happened. TOO MUCH TO EXPLAIN TOO MUCH!! 😄Aaaaaaaaaaahh But it is exciting too much, not like bad too much. Anyway I hope all of you are doing well and that your day was just like you hoped it would be, maybe even better.

The topic I wanted to talk to you about today is the bad people out there. The bad people who seem to feed off people’s sorrow and unhappiness. The bad people who don’t seem to find any joy in the World, but are always plotting in their head of another victim. The bad people who will not let you rest until you have paid, dearly. The bad people who would do anything for the cause of your destruction, just for the reason that they find contentment in your grief. The people that your parents warn you about when you’re young. The people who seem to roam the streets at night, with nothing better to do than engulf the darkness.

Just kidding. I’m gonna be talking all those lovely haters. Those wonderful people who sometimes hide behind their screens and think that they can say anything to anyone, when they really can’t. They still do though, and until we are wiped off the face of this earth, they will not be gone.

They can be people face-to-face like bullies. And one reason that everyone says, that I don’t particularly agree with, is that they are the ones who are insecure with themselves so they want to take it out on other people. Firstly they bully others because they think that they are better then them. It is to do with pride, not necessarily to do with insecurities. That statement almost makes you feel sorry for the bullies. The amount of mental and physical damage they do to a person is actually unimaginable. They can lead the person to have a lot of mental health problems in the future, self-harming and can even lead to suicide.

So based on that, here are just some ways we can stop them people from bothering us and interrupting what we enjoy.

Number 1. Don’t hate on other people. If you hate on someone else you will just get yourself into a fight and people will start judging you for it too. Even if you do it on a fake or secret account, it will not only affect the person you are saying it to, it will affect you too.

Numbero 2. Don’t let them get you down. You are amazing and unique and sometimes it can be as small as a nasty comment from someone that can stop you doing what you love, forever. Always look towards the light. Look at the good things about what you do and just think of this as a minor obstacle on the road that will only make you stronger.

Numéro 3. Do not blame yourself. It is not you who is at fault, it is them. They are the ones who are nasty to you and they just don’t want you to do the best that you can in your life.

Número 4. Take it as a compliment! They are jealous of your success and want to take it away from you. Don’t let yourself sink onto the same level as them, you are worth so so so much more.

Numerus 5. Take it on the chin and move along. If they are actually offering some good advice for once, listen to what they are saying and improve yourself. You’re not perfect, neither is anyone else. We all need to improve and what better way than using the advice of the people who actually mean to get a reaction out of us.

Nummer 6. If you are a hater who actually means well, then what better time to improve than now. Go out there and show everyone that you actually mean well and go get to the peak of where you can be. #YOLO Make sure your life is worth living.

That is my weird but somewhat helpful steps on how to deal with the haterzzz. (See I cannot even be bothered with them. I fall asleep zzz).

“What if the kid you bullied at school, grew up, and turned out to be the only surgeon who could save your life?” ~ Lynette Mather

Until the next time I can be bothered to write SO much,

Wadz x 😛

I’m back!! and the Liebster Award

liebster award

Hey everyone! I’m back! I’ve had a great like week or so off where I just had the time to think about everything. I am now going to be more active and write more shorter posts.

This post is going to be the Liebster Award that I got nominated by the wonderful Supergirl2000. (She is amazing go and check out her blog!)

Here are the rules:

  • Thank your nominator (put link to their blog in your post).
  • Share the award on your blog.
  • Share 11 random facts about yourself.
  • Answer 10 (or 11) questions asked to you.
  • Ask 10 questions to 10 new nominees
  • Notify them via social media.

I will answer the questions that I got asked first, then I will go onto anything else.

  1. Why did you start blogging? I started blogging to share all my thoughts with people who I had never met before. I also wanted to be the real me that I had been hiding inside for far too long.
  2. Your favourite way to relax? My favourite way to relax is listen to music, watch T.V or films or just sit down and think.
  3. Are you a motivated person or a procrastinator? Ha ha out of all the questions in the world. I am a procrastinator. I constantly get distracted and have lost all motivation to succeed. What am I doing with my life?
  4. Something that scared you but you overcame it and did it anyway? Talk to people or do a class presentation. It is like hell. But for some reason we always have to get up and talk to everyone. If it was my own choice I would never do it. But I was always forced and did it anyway. I was shaking the whole way.
  5. Any quote you try to live by? I don’t have a specific quote that I like to live by, I like all quotes. They all make you feel and think in a different way. But here’s one that I love. I liked so much, I painted it on the wall right above my bed. 

    Life asked Death, “Why do people love me, but hate you?” Death replied, “Because you are a beautiful lie and I’m a painful Truth.”


  6. Organized or messy? I am very messy in that whenever I pick something up I always leave it in random places and the whole room just turns into a dump. I am also pretty organsed in how I lay things out on paper and I make a lot of lists.
  7. Have you ever fasted? if yes, how was the experience? I have fasted. It was actually alright. I’m not usually hungry, so it wasn’t extremely hard.
  8. Do you follow politics? I do not follow politics. I would probably get mad and start screaming at them. I get really annoyed when they make comments that will set me off or they don’t know what they’re talking about. I guess I’m going to have to get used to it if I want to change the world.
  9. Something you’re passionate about? Hmmm… I don’t really know to be honest. I’m quite passionate when it comes to standing up for what I believe in. Whether it may be feminism, human rights, stereotypes, society, the way that teenagers are all viewed to be dark and moody, etc. There are a lot of things.
  10. Last one! How would you describe “love”? I would describe love as being a situation where you both feel like a somebody. You both feel special and happy and you feel like you can defeat anything that may come in your way. Meh. How would I know? I’m single like a Pringle that doesn’t want to mingle.


Yeahh! I completed my first ever batch of questions on myself! That was hard. Here comes the even tougher ones. 11 random facts about me. I’m going to be here for a while.

  1. I am a 15 year old girl, born in December and lives in England.
  2. I have brown eyes, jet black hair and a dimple on my left cheek.
  3. Some of the movies that I really like are Big Hero 6 and My neighbour Totoro. (They are amazing and so creative that they take you to another world).
  4. My favourite TV series was Merlin and when it ended I cried. I don’t usually cry at things, but I cried.
  5. My favourite colours are black, red and green (but they keep changing).
  6. I have never broken a bone, but I cracked my head when I was like 5.
  7. I am addicted to caffeine.
  8. I don’t wear make-up. With the exception of eyeliner of course.
  9. I want to get an industrial piercing, a helix piercing, an eyebrow piercing and a lip piercing.
  10. My personality type is INFJ (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging)
  11. I am the middle child in my family. (Brother, Sister, ME, Brother, Sister). I just come in and ruin the pattern.


Here are the people that I nominate:


Here are the questions that I want you to answer:

  1. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up on?
  2. Summer or winter?
  3. What genre of music do you most prefer?
  4. What is something that you have done and are proud of?
  5. What is your favourite animal/ creature/ insect?
  6. What is one thing that you are afraid of?
  7. What is the best book/ novel/ magazine/ comic that you have ever read?
  8. What is your favourite thing about yourself?
  9. If you were given any superpower, what would you choose?
  10. If you had to change one thing about the world, what would you change?
  11. What are your aims for the future?


Thank you so much for reading this. If I haven’t nominated you and you want to do this challenge, go ahead and do it! I will look forward to writing shorter more frequent posts. There will be that odd one that will be long, but that’s it. But for now, that’s me done. Until the next time.

Wadz x






So I was thinking the other day, while reading other people’s blog posts, that my blog seems to revolve around me and what I do. Everyone else seems to write about other things and not their own life. They also write in a very ‘professional’ manner where they probably will not say the things that I will, or make a joke in the most random places. And you know, the whole blogging is really working out for them. They are getting a lot of people reading their blog, and they are writing long blog posts everyday, and people seem to like it and like them.

People might not like me, or not like the way I write, or the things that I address. They might not like the fact that I don’t write long posts every day, or give them interesting thoughts every day. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others and be myself for once, but it is hard. Very hard.

I don’t know, should I write about other things? Should I write about everything happy and jolly? Should I pretend to be the person that I’m not, just so I can be liked by people on line aswell? This blog is just becoming my personal diary where I vent everything out to, and I don’t want that.

I don’t know if I am actually going in the direction that I want it to, and actually developing into the blog that I want it to be. I don’t know I’m probably just over thinking again. I just don’t know anymore.

I just need some time to sort myself out. I’m going to take a break for a week. It has been a nice time so far people of WordPress, and I hope I can write again soon about better and more interesting things.

Thank you.


Quote challenge #day3

Hey everyone! So today is my last day of the quote challenge. I’m kind of relieved that I have completed my first challenge as a blogger, and I’m kind of sad that I won’t be doing this any more. I might do these type of posts in the future, who knows?

The challenge is:

  1. Post in three consecutive days.
  2. You can pick one or three quotes per day.
  3. Challenge three different bloggers per day.


Today’s quote is:

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you. What’s important to me is not others’ opinions of me, but what’s important to me is my opinion of myself.” ~ C. JoyBell C.


I  have chosen this quote to end on because it is a really important thing that we will come across in our day-to-day lives. This ‘important‘ thing is people. People will be kind, they will be nasty, they might love you and they might hate you. That is just the way it works. Not everyone is going to like everyone. You might not like a person’s personality or the way they treat other people and you don’t have to. No one can force you to.

Just because a person is popular or ‘cool,’ does not mean that you have to like them. You don’t. You don’t have to be mean to them or give them dirty looks every time they walk past, you just have to be civil. Say hi and smile at them. Give them a little wave. It could be the start of something new and you realise that this person is not what they seem. They could be a completely different person inside.

If someone does not like you, do not waste your precious time worrying or contemplating on everything that is wrong with you, go out and adventure. Adventure through the world. Go on a journey to find the real you. Benefit someone in some way. Change the world. Everyone has the power the change the world, most people are just too afraid to use it. Be fearless and don’t let anyone stand in your way.

The last thing I want to touch upon is how we value ourselves and how we look at ourselves. Everyone has imperfections and no one is perfect. The sooner you accept these imperfections, the sooner you will be much happier. You will realise that them things weren’t really imperfections, they are what make you, you. They make you the wonderful, unique person that you are, and no one can replicate that. Even if someone tries so hard to be like someone they will never exactly be like them. Imagine how boring the world would be if everyone was the same? Everyone would act the same and look the same. They would all have the same personality and the same way of thinking. I for one am glad the world is not the same, everyone deserves to be their own person.

Don’t let anyone put you down. Don’t let anyone add another something to your pain. You have the ability to do well, don’t let anyone take that away from you. Because in the end “we all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

The last three nominees are:

  1. disdailydose
  2. emilycatstanley
  3. Nansfit


I look forward to doing these types of posts again soon. But for now it was fun doing this challenge and I’m ready for the next challenge that comes my way. Until the next time I can be bothered to write so much.

Wadz x