What is wrong with me?
Today, I accidentally came across a video while on a binge-watch and it was someone talking about their depression and how they overcame it. I don’t what happened, but while watching, tears just started flowing from my eyes and down my face. For the first time in ages I gave my mind the chance to think and all it came out with was tears. Everything circled my head, so much so that it became deafening. I was not able to breath properly or move. All I did was sit, think and cry. The person, she was talking about how she fell into depression in the first place, and then how she began to overcome the things that her mind was telling her. She was able to reach a state of happiness where she would say that everything is going to okay. She was in Unicorn Island.
Watching this, my mind went to a completely different realm within my thoughts. It went berserk thinking of everything bad that I had done and everyone I had left behind. Questions began to appear, leaving me questioning all of my choices and my very existence as well. So here I was sat home alone and this video made me rethink my whole purpose and my whole life so far. You probably think that 15 years isn’t that long, but when every day feels like it’s going in slow-motion, then it seems like forever.
But the truth is, I want to be able to get to Unicorn Island too. I want to be happy with myself, I want to be happy with where I am and what I’m doing. But the one thing that’s holding me back is myself. I feel like I don’t deserve happiness. No, I’m scared of being happy. I’m scared that I won’t be the same person that I am. No matter how much I hate being myself, I would never want to be a completely different person. I’m scared of the outside world and what lies beyond the walls of my own home. I’m scared of what the future holds for me and if I will ever get to be the person that I’ve always wanted to be. I’m scared of the things I feel and I’m scared of my thoughts. I’m scared of thinking, I’m scared of the things in my head. I’m scared of myself.
I feel so lonely, like I’m the odd one out and everyone is staring. Everyone is looking at me like I’m an alien, and the people who I get close to see the real me and leave. I’m so very grateful for all the people that I have and I treasure everyone that stays by me. But even when I have all the people in the world, why do I feel so lonely, so empty inside? I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe I’ve been pretending for so long that I’m okay, that when it all hits me at once I break down. Maybe I’ve stopped getting used to it. All the screams sound louder, all the thoughts seem to deafen me, more than before.
I can’t accept that maybe I shouldn’t be made to feel this way. I’ve lost all motivation, I no longer aspire to do good. I don’t know what I want to do, but I know for one thing that it’s not going to get any better. I feel like I’m on a downward spiral to my end. But I’m also scared of what is going to happen to me. I have a little bit of life in my dead soul that does nothing but worry about what is going to happen. The rest of me just doesn’t care and instead of fighting back, I’m lying there letting everything get to me. And nothing is doing anything against that.
The reason I wrote this post was for myself, because I was in a bad state physically and mentally and had no other way to turn. That is one of the reason I started to write as well because when I write, I seem like I’m free to create anything that I want to create. I can create a magical land far away and take people there with just my words. I can venture through the depths of the ocean or the furthest point on a map just by imagining. Writing helps me a lot, to just rant about everything and even if people judge me, I won’t see that. All I see is this screen with words on, I don’t see the people on the other end.
I don’t not want to be happy my whole life. I want to be able to live life to the fullest and be able to be proud of everything I have done. I want to adventure, I want to be free. I want to do so many things, but I’m holding myself back. I want to end everything because I don’t feel like I can do it anymore. I don’t feel like I’m doing anyone proud, and I don’t feel like I’m achieving any sort of purpose. I want to be happy, I want to change the world, but I’m scared of everything. I’m scared of myself.