Paracetamol

I wander through these lonely streets, the rain pouring down, the rain washing away any hope left in my cold, dead heart. I am reminded of the people I left behind. They don’t care, and who does? They never did, and who will? They lied and left me, lying on the ground, crying, screaming out “help me, help me”, but no one could hear. The screams were silent while everyone thought I was fine. The memories they broke me down, each flashback cracked my bones until I could not walk anymore. The drained feeling I’m left with, nothing but regret haunts me. And no matter what I do, no amount of paracetamol can cure the pain I feel.

The laughter playing back in my head, but slow it down a bit, it sounds too happy. The screams, ah that’s more like it, deafen me but no one else can hear. It’s all inside this mind of mine, this torturing mind of mine, that has no purpose, no meaning, nothing. All it gives me is fear and pain and it doesn’t stop. STOP. I yell as I grip onto the sides of my head, hoping, praying that they would leave me alone. This headache, this migraine brings me to my knees. I hold on with all I have left, all this pain, hurt, disappointment. But no matter what I do, no amount of paracetamol can cure the pain I feel.

They say that people make your day, but what if all people do is ruin you in everything they say. They hide behind their words to disguise them, and when you’re not looking they explode, unleashing the very thing that was meant to be caged. They destroy with all their might, their pride standing as a barrier blocking out their morals. They pretend, they torture and until you find the ones who will stay around forever, they will never leave. But where are the ones who promised to stay, promised to stay around and be with you through it all, thick and thin. You left. I can’t blame them, I mean who would stay around for me?

Who said parents were of any help at all? They say that we never hear enough of your time at school and how you were getting along, where were you for me to tell you? Where were you? Where were you when I was punched, kicked, called names, slapped and told I was not worth it? Where were you when I believed them so much that I had convinced myself that I really did not deserve any happiness? Where were you when I cried myself to sleep because I didn’t want to stay around in this evil world for much longer? Where the hell were you when I relied on a stranger to keep me holding onto this life and then went on to became my only hope to carry on living? But you tell me to stay away from people who are bad and are a negative influence. Do you know them like I know them? Forget other people, do you know your own child who is really nothing more than an outsider? You know the worst thing about it, I asked you for help and you refused.

The memories of when you were here crush me, like an avalanche of remembrance all coming at once. They remind me of what we had now that it is gone. The only good that was present, saving me from all the lies and deceit that I’m being fed, has drifted, leaving me with no home, nothing. But the good thing, I will not regret anything I do, now that I have no one. In the world that forced me to be something that I’m not, I said no and stayed true to myself. What wrong did I do? What sin did I commit? I wish I was anywhere but here. Because now I’m left on this lonely earth by my lonely self and no matter what I do no amount of paracetamol can cure the pain I feel.

Wadz x

People

People lie, people cheat, people steal. People pretend to be something that they are not. Why? To protect themselves. They hide themselves from the outside world, scared of what they’ll think of them, scared of being judged. Scared that people will not accept them for who they are. They walk around by themselves, they sit alone, out of choice. You approach them, trying to be nice, trying to be a good person. They accept your friendship, they take your hand, with a grin on their face and a look in their eyes that could not be deciphered, of course it couldn’t be, you didn’t suspect anything.

People change. People promise you countless things. They promised that one day we will be free and away from reality. They said that we will be together forever, I promise. They said that one day when the world is finally on our side, me and you, we will own this town. We will show the world how to rule and we will leave everything, absolutely everything behind. They got so carried away, there’s no surprise you believed them.

People break your trust. They promised to never forget you and be friends, friends until the end, but where are they now? Why haven’t they spoke to you in a week, now two weeks and oh, a month. They stopped talking completely, they punish you in so many ways, why? Because you deserve it. Because the person you put all of your trust in was not the right person. But now, look where we are, oh that’s right, here we are in the future, trying to warn our past self. Trying to uncover the truth to them, trying to save them. But there’s no use, they can’t hear. They are too deaf to hear us over the sound of their trust. False hopes have been planted, and the seeds of deceit have been drawn. All there’s left now is to wait, wait for the bullet to hit.

People crush you. But no ordinary tools are used for that, oh no, they use you to crush yourself. You become angry with yourself, blaming everything on you. When in the corner, laughing at how much it is affecting you, is them. The cruel monster that they are, are sniggering in the corner, finding joy in your unhappiness. They brought you to the top, just so that when the time is right, you will trip over your own two feet.

People leave you. They leave you in the dark, the taunting, haunting dark. The dark that scares even your nightmares. They don’t care about the one, two, three slits on your wrists, I mean who would? They don’t care about the four, five, six tears that fall down your face, they never did. Where are they now? You don’t see them, but I do. I see them very clearly, at your side, but not your right side, I see them at your devil’s side.

People forget. People forget that you were ever on this lonely earth. They forget that at one point you were so close, closer than a mother is to her child. They forget that they left you in an alley, with no help, no friendship, no light to guide you. They forget when they saw the scars on your wrists and the tear stains down your cheek. They forget when they turned and walked the other way, turning a blind eye to what they had just witnessed. They forget when they heard your screams from round the corner, and looked to see you lying cold, dead, breathless on the floor. They forget when they saw the sirens from afar to take you away, and they fled, they ran to the end of the earth, trying to get the picture out of their head.

People escape. People walk away from you resting on the ground. They think that their lies and scams had finally pulled off. But what they don’t know, what they don’t see is that you are now at peace. You are away from the place that gave you nothing but sadness and tears. You are away from the people who gave you false hopes, false dreams, and false guidance. You are happy, above them all, watching over the people who destroyed the mortal you with lies, tricks and betrayal. You are content, watching them run away, fleeing from the people who wish to disclose them. They are tired, afraid, hopeless, just like you were.

Wadz x