So I haven’t really wrote a post like this in a long time because I’m kind of always busy. I know one of you out there is probably thinking ‘you’re just a teenager, you’re life is not that hard. Wait until you get older.’ Whoever is thinking that, shut up. Well shut your mind up. And that is what this post is going to be based on. Life. Just life.
There are some people out there who are happy with their life and are really looking forward to the future and destined to succeed. Don’t get me wrong I don’t have a problem with that, in fact I’m happy for you. It’s just that I have never really experienced that before. With my existence in this life, I’m just kind of there. Just there. I’m getting dragged around from primary school (3 years old – 11 years old (I guessed!)), then to high school (12 years old – 16 years old) where I am now, with no purpose to my life whatsoever, then to college (17 years old – 18 years old), then to university (however many years your degree is), then into a job, then get married, then have kids, then die. The typical life of a human. Now if you are wondering why the hell I am addressing this because I am still young and have so much time until I have to decide what the reason for my existence on this world is, it’s just that I’m having second thoughts.
I am wondering about this now because it is something that is always on my mind. Why do I exist? What is the reason for me doing these worthless things that will not benefit me in life? One day all of these things will not matter because we will all just die. I know that you have to live life to the maximum and have no regrets etc. etc. But I really don’t know what I’m doing with my life at the moment. This has led me to thinking so much and just getting in this never-ending spiral of thoughts and end up drained with no life left in me. Basically everyday. I was used to this because it happened so often. Until… today.
So let me give you some background information. I go to a private all girls school. Don’t judge. This school goes completely over the top when you don’t do the things that they ask you to, even if it is a small stupid thing or when you do ONE thing wrong that isN’T EVEN SERIOUS. Okay that is the SOME of the stupid things. They also pay close close close close even more close attention to what you say and force you to tell them the truth about your whole life and tell your parents what you say, often without you knowing about it, resulting in awkward conversations between you and your parents where all you want to do is want to curl up into a ball of misery and die in a hole. Stupid school.
So I said something, (I wrote it in an exam paper because I didn’t know the answer and was attempting to be funny in some stupid, idiotic kind of way), which the teachers took into completely different context. They were “concerned” about me. First of all I wrote something about zombies eating brains, which when the teacher confronted me found it so hilarious that she couldn’t stop herself from bursting into laughter. (I’m not even joking). Then I wrote something that goes like this “Why do we have to go to school to learn about plants? It’s not like plants have to get up and go to school to learn about humans. It must be fun being a plant. Blowing in the wind. Chilling on my own. Yay.” (It was a biology exam about plants). “Chilling on my own…” In any normal school it would be completely normal, you know kids just messing about and being stupid. But in our school it was not acceptable and “how could you expect any teacher to waste their time marking this rubbish?” Firstly Miss this is not rubbish, it took a lot of effort to think up these things on the spot and secondly this is what you get paid to do stupid.
Anyway the teacher approached me and asked me if there was anything wrong. I automatically said no because I didn’t want to tell her anything that was on my mind and because it was much easier to say no than to explain everything. Then she said to me “why did you write this?” and showed me the exam paper. I was like “I dunno.” She read that line out “chilling on my own” and asked “why did you write this? Is there anything bothering you? Did you just need some time on your own and you wanted to get it out somehow?” Wow jumping to conclusions much. I didn’t answer. She then threatened me. I didn’t realise this at the time but afterwards I was just like “did she just threaten me?” She said “if you did do this as a joke you will be punished and this will be taken further, but if you tell me the real reason because I can clearly tell that something is bothering you, then you will not be punished and no one else will know.” LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL ARE YOU ON MATE?
Obviously because I knew that if I told her it was a joke my parents would get a phone call (they always exaggerate the problem to make it seem like I had killed someone) and I would have to go through the awkward conversations which will end in my getting disowned and thrown out of the house where I will need to go out in the world and fend for myself. So I told her some things. Basically I am going through what people would call the “usual teenage phase” where you go like into this depressed trance and you always wear black and all that shit. (Excuse my language but it really is shit). No I’m sorry but teenagers actually face a really emotional and hard time of their life and it is really frightening phase to be in. For those of you who don’t agree, guess what you can do, oh that’s right, shut up.
So this conversation escalated quickly with her asking questions now purely based on my sanity. She asked me if I was scared, I said yes. She asked what of? I said I dunno. She asked if there was anything bothering me that causes me distress, I said yes. She said do you know what it is? I said no. She said is it how you are feeling? I said yes. She said how are you feeling? I said I dunno. I think you’re getting the picture. See they can force you to speak, but how much you say is up to you. And you wanna know how that ended? I was told that I need to go home, have a think and write everything down that would give her a bit more understanding as to how I was feeling and give it to her.
I kind of do and I don’t want to. I do because I want to get it sorted and I want to feel like I have a purpose to my life (that comes back to my starting point). I don’t because I feel like I’m not going to be the same person or feel the way that I feel if I don’t have them things “wrong” with me. I have learnt to live with the way I am and I have really grown into a better person being the way I am. It is a part of me. Yes it can be annoying or depressing when all you feel is sadness and you feel so low and have no energy to do anything. When you have a fear of your surroundings, the bigger world or just people in general. When all you want to do is curl up into a ball and throw yourself into a ditch. (I don’t exactly know how to pin point everything I feel but that is just some of the things that I know). But it’s really satisfying knowing that with everything going on, you are still surviving just the way that you are.
The last thing that she said to me was that “we are here to support you and help you. You don’t have to feel alone or that you have no one. I will not tell your parents or any one else unless I ask you first. I will never go behind your back.” Firstly BULLSH*T. (Excuse my language) Teachers are told to say that so you feel like you can trust them then all of a suddeN BAM!! They trap you in a hole that is too deep, even you can’t lie your way out of this. That is why it is better to stop before you know things will soon be out of your hands and there is nothing you can do about it any more. I fear that I may be in that deep dark hole. She wants to get me help. The one thing that I feared the most. Getting help. Help. You need help. There is something wrong with you. You need help. YOU NEED HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. You believe it so much that you convince yourself that they are right and that you do need help. I walked out, took a deep breath and went back to my lesson. Fuck life. No apology for my language, it deserves it.
And to end the longest post I have ever written and took me like 2 hours to write. Here is something that I was thinking about the other day because of something I heard someone say. “Black is not a colour. It is the loss of visible light.”
My life has no light left in it, therefore I will always wear black.
Thank you for taking the time out to read such a long post. Please feel free to comment on what you thought and maybe some advice that you can give me. It would be much appreciated. Until the next time I can be bothered to write so much.