Blogging.

Hello!

So I was thinking the other day, while reading other people’s blog posts, that my blog seems to revolve around me and what I do. Everyone else seems to write about other things and not their own life. They also write in a very ‘professional’ manner where they probably will not say the things that I will, or make a joke in the most random places. And you know, the whole blogging is really working out for them. They are getting a lot of people reading their blog, and they are writing long blog posts everyday, and people seem to like it and like them.

People might not like me, or not like the way I write, or the things that I address. They might not like the fact that I don’t write long posts every day, or give them interesting thoughts every day. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others and be myself for once, but it is hard. Very hard.

I don’t know, should I write about other things? Should I write about everything happy and jolly? Should I pretend to be the person that I’m not, just so I can be liked by people on line aswell? This blog is just becoming my personal diary where I vent everything out to, and I don’t want that.

I don’t know if I am actually going in the direction that I want it to, and actually developing into the blog that I want it to be. I don’t know I’m probably just over thinking again. I just don’t know anymore.

I just need some time to sort myself out. I’m going to take a break for a week. It has been a nice time so far people of WordPress, and I hope I can write again soon about better and more interesting things.

Thank you.

Wadz.

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Quote challenge #day3

Hey everyone! So today is my last day of the quote challenge. I’m kind of relieved that I have completed my first challenge as a blogger, and I’m kind of sad that I won’t be doing this any more. I might do these type of posts in the future, who knows?

The challenge is:

  1. Post in three consecutive days.
  2. You can pick one or three quotes per day.
  3. Challenge three different bloggers per day.

 

Today’s quote is:

“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you. What’s important to me is not others’ opinions of me, but what’s important to me is my opinion of myself.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

 

I  have chosen this quote to end on because it is a really important thing that we will come across in our day-to-day lives. This ‘important‘ thing is people. People will be kind, they will be nasty, they might love you and they might hate you. That is just the way it works. Not everyone is going to like everyone. You might not like a person’s personality or the way they treat other people and you don’t have to. No one can force you to.

Just because a person is popular or ‘cool,’ does not mean that you have to like them. You don’t. You don’t have to be mean to them or give them dirty looks every time they walk past, you just have to be civil. Say hi and smile at them. Give them a little wave. It could be the start of something new and you realise that this person is not what they seem. They could be a completely different person inside.

If someone does not like you, do not waste your precious time worrying or contemplating on everything that is wrong with you, go out and adventure. Adventure through the world. Go on a journey to find the real you. Benefit someone in some way. Change the world. Everyone has the power the change the world, most people are just too afraid to use it. Be fearless and don’t let anyone stand in your way.

The last thing I want to touch upon is how we value ourselves and how we look at ourselves. Everyone has imperfections and no one is perfect. The sooner you accept these imperfections, the sooner you will be much happier. You will realise that them things weren’t really imperfections, they are what make you, you. They make you the wonderful, unique person that you are, and no one can replicate that. Even if someone tries so hard to be like someone they will never exactly be like them. Imagine how boring the world would be if everyone was the same? Everyone would act the same and look the same. They would all have the same personality and the same way of thinking. I for one am glad the world is not the same, everyone deserves to be their own person.

Don’t let anyone put you down. Don’t let anyone add another something to your pain. You have the ability to do well, don’t let anyone take that away from you. Because in the end “we all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.”

The last three nominees are:

  1. disdailydose
  2. emilycatstanley
  3. Nansfit

 

I look forward to doing these types of posts again soon. But for now it was fun doing this challenge and I’m ready for the next challenge that comes my way. Until the next time I can be bothered to write so much.

Wadz x

Quote challenge #day2

Hey everyone! So I haven’t really stuck by the rules while doing this challenge and I am really sorry for that. But I promised to do a day 2 of the challenge and here it is!

The challenge is:

  1. Post in three consecutive days.
  2. You can pick one or three quotes per day.
  3. Challenge three different bloggers per day.

 

Today’s quote is:

“Writing about the past is a way of reliving it, a way of seeing it unfold all over again. We place memories on pieces of paper to know they will always exist.” ~ Nathan Filer – The Shock of the Fall

I was looking for a quote for today and I came across this one. It instantly stood out to me. You know you can really connect and feel a quote deeply when it jumps out of the screen at you. I don’t know why, it might just be the fact that I feel all quotes deeply and I love them all, but it has a really great message behind it.

To ease the pain of what you are experiencing or to lessen it just a bit, it is great to write. Write whatever you are feeling, whatever is on your mind or whatever you absolutely hate. It will get it off your mind and the great thing about it is that no one apart from you can see it. The best thing about it is that you can mention people’s names and what you really feel about them, because they will never know. It will just be off your head and you will feel lighter and mentally more stable. It will also stop you from accidentally telling them everything you really thought of them during an argument. I’ll explain.

If you constantly have thoughts in your head about how much you don’t like a person or something that you dislike about them, but you want to be nice to them to their face, then you are treading on thin ice! You might one day get into a fight with them and out of anger all those thoughts that you had tried so hard to hold back, will come pouring out. Believe me it has happened! If you are writing all of this down in a book, diary, journal or just some pieces of paper, then you will feel much happier not only physically, but mentally as well.

If you write about things you have experienced or problems you have faced, then when you look back in a few years time, you will feel happy that you had overcome that. You will have hope that things do indeed get better, and it was not always that hard. You can relive the feelings that you went through. The emotions, the physical and mental impacts will rush back to you like a tidal wave. It is like a little burst of energy that will run right through you and will inspire you to keep going and refill your hope levels. Be careful though, there might be triggers.

I’m going to end on one point that may be of use to someone out there. Do not be afraid to write. Do not be afraid to release all your emotions through whatever makes you happy. It will be better for you not only now, but also in the future. Start writing once or twice a week just to empty your thoughts onto the paper. You don’t even have to write, you can draw and paint as well. Drawing can represent your thoughts very deeply and it can be very pleasing to see the end result of what you have created too!

I used to write most days just about what I felt and about the things that I really hated and the people I very much disliked. I wrote a few of my own stories about real things and I am 2 pages into a book about amnesia. I had stopped about a year ago and I have found myself becoming very wrapped up in my own thoughts a lot more and I find that my head is also more of a mess now than it was. It is because I have no way to empty my thoughts or get them out somehow because I don’t write any more. I would, it’s just that I don’t have the time or energy to pull out a pen and paper and start writing.

So that was day 2 of the quote challenge! It seemed more harder to write that than the other one, probably because I forced myself to write this one.

Here are the next three nominees:

  1. Craving Dreams
  2. thedreamyjournal
  3. WhenIThoughtIWasFat

 

Thank you for reading this and feel free to leave any of your thoughts down in the comments. Don’t stop writing. Because “you must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.”

Wadz x

 

 

Quote Challenge #day1

Hey everyone!

So I have been nominated to do the quote challenge. (Here’s the post where I was nominated in https://missmoodygirl.wordpress.com/2016/02/17/day-3-quote-challenge/)

The challenge:

  1. Post in three consecutive days.
  2. You can pick one or three quotes per day.
  3. Challenge three different bloggers per day.

(obviously because I’m lazy I am doing one quote per day)

 

The quote I have chosen today is:

“Not all my scars show. Not all my wounds heal. Sometimes you can’t see, the pain someone feels.” ~ Lisa French

I think this quote is a really powerful one because it shows just how much people can hide from the rest of the world. You might think you know someone very well, but what you think you know is the person they are on the outside. You don’t see the person inside. And you never will. The person on the outside is there to protect the inside, like a shell. You might get to know a person really well and you like them for their personality and how they smile all the time. But how do you know that the person that you are so fond of is just fake? You don’t. You can begin to learn about the real person if you stick around for long enough, but most people don’t. So instead of the real person inside getting torn apart or broken every time someone leaves, they have built a wall to save them from the outside world.

This wouldn’t be a real post if I didn’t add my own personal story or experience in it. So here’s a story for you. I think 2 people reading this have already heard this story because it kind of just fitted to the conversation at the time, but it fits in to this quote so I will repeat it.

I was on a school trip where we had to stay at this outdoor adventure centre thing for 3 days. I’m not too good with school trips, especially the ones where you have to stay overnight (I’m kind of stupid because I always agree to go on them). This is usually because every day in school I am a fake person. I put on a fake smile and I pretend to be someone I am not. It works out pretty well as some people seem to like the fake me. This is pretty hard when you have to live with the very people that you are scared of finding out about you and the person you protect inside. You are scared about them knowing that you are just one mess of fakeness.

So on the last night that we were there I just got so overwhelmed with having to fake being the person that i am not, that I couldn’t help but break the protective shell around me. You may think that this was a good thing as I was more real to people and everyone could learn to like the real me. But it was the complete opposite. You see, even I am afraid of the real me. I started fighting with my friends, I stopped caring about what I said to other people and I hurt the one person who had been there for me since the beginning. One of my friends approached me when I had walked away from everyone. This is what she said: “Why can’t you go back to being the happy you that is always smiling in school?” I replied with one line that probably made her rethink everything she thought she knew about me, “that me is fake. This is the real me. You should get used to it.” Then there was silence.

I’m just going to end on one piece of advice for you reading this. Be careful about how you treat people and what you say to them. You don’t know what is on their mind and you don’t know how much your words could be adding to their pain. Try to be nice to everyone and take the time out to ask how someone is feeling  and just make them smile. You never know, it could be the only time they had smiled that day.

The bloggers I nominate to do this challenge are:

  1. Misfit Spirit
  2. Stay Strong Beautifulxxx
  3. SyedaFR

 

Thank you to supergirl2000 for nominating me! 

I’m sorry this was like a day late, it was because all of yesterday my Wi-Fi was down so I couldn’t get on to the internet.

I look forward to reading your posts and have an awesome day wherever you are. Until tomorrow then.

Wadz x 

 

 

The good in the world

Hey guys! Sorry I haven’t been active for like a week. It’s just that my laptop stopped working and I had to get it repaired (which took like years). I couldn’t write a post or even a quote on my phone because it’s so old and rubbish. So yeah I haven’t been able to express myself or communicate with you awesome people for a week. 😦 To make up for that however I am going to give you guys a long-ish post because you always end up reading them, and I am utterly grateful for that. I still can’t believe people would actually take out 5 minutes of their time just to read my nonsense. Anyway here we go…

I have kind of realised I almost always talk about myself and how much I hate life and the world and all that. But I have never really talked about how good the world is. I know it may seem impossible to write a post on, but I’m sure under all the sufferings and horror and hardships and corruption, there must be some good in there. An example of this is a person. They be all mean and nasty and horrible on the outside, but when you dig beneath the crust, you realise that they are not as evil as they make out to be. The same with the world. Except it’s not easy to dig beneath the crust.

I’m going to start with a story of people who may seem horrible on the outside, but are the complete opposite inside and actually have a heart.

When burglars in San Bernardino County, California realized the computers they’d stolen were from a nonprofit that helps victims of sexual violence, they returned them along with an apology note. This note may just help restore your faith in humanity.

NOTE-570

If that isn’t amazing, I don’t know what is.

To read the full story click here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/08/thieves-apology-note-san-bernardino-_n_3724932.html

 

There may be wicked people out there who love to watch people suffer and enjoy inflicting pain upon others. But the amount of people who are wicked out there is also equal to the amount of nice and awesome people in the world. You just have to know where to look. You could be surrounding yourself with the wrong type of people who make you question what is wrong with the world, when all you have to do is look beyond your comfort zone and you will find someone, even if it is just one person, who will accept you with who you are. They will make you feel like the world is an amazing place to be and that you are the best person that has ever existed.

Another thing is that we can use our lives to do whatever we want to do. That’s right you can do whatever you desire, because newsflash it’s your life and no one can control it. There are some people who will certainly try to control it, but to those people you turn your face and walk the other way. Them people completely don’t matter and they never will. They are the type of people who will not ask for you, if you are not there. They will leave you in your hour of need. Them people need to get their act together because if you are not there for anyone else, how are people going to be there for you when you desperately need it?

You can be inspired and inspire others. People learn from each other, make new friends and put their trust in people they never thought of. You can do things in your life that will be remembered and that people will look towards and learn from. They will be inspired by your work and the things that you have done. You have been given this one life which you can never get back. Make sure at the end of the day, you turn around and smile at how far you have come and how well you have spent your time.

I think that is the end of my post about the good in the world. If I find some other things that are good with the world, then I can make a second post about this. This can also help me to improve my pessimist mind into a more optimistic one. Some good can come out of this post at least.

Thank you for taking the time out to read my post and feel free as always to comment on what you thought. This post was a bit different, but it was good different. I look forward to writing more posts like these. If you have any more ‘good things about the world’ please let me know them as well. And I think that is just about it.

Until the next time I can be bothered to write and think so much.

Wadz x

 

“Do your little bit of good where you are; it’s those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world.” ~ Desmond Tutu 

 

Life, school and help.

Hey everyone!

So I haven’t really wrote a post like this in a long time because I’m kind of always busy. I know one of you out there is probably thinking ‘you’re just a teenager, you’re life is not that hard. Wait until you get older.’ Whoever is thinking that, shut up. Well shut your mind up. And that is what this post is going to be based on. Life. Just life. 

There are some people out there who are happy with their life and are really looking forward to the future and destined to succeed. Don’t get me wrong I don’t have a problem with that, in fact I’m happy for you. It’s just that I have never really experienced that before. With my existence in this life, I’m just kind of there. Just there. I’m getting dragged around from primary school (3 years old – 11 years old (I guessed!)), then to high school (12 years old – 16 years old) where I am now, with no purpose to my life whatsoever, then to college (17 years old – 18 years old), then to university (however many years your degree is), then into a job, then get married, then have kids, then die. The typical life of a human. Now if you are wondering why the hell I am addressing this because I am still young and have so much time until I have to decide what the reason for my existence on this world is, it’s just that I’m having second thoughts.

I am wondering about this now because it is something that is always on my mind. Why do I exist? What is the reason for me doing these worthless things that will not benefit me in life? One day all of these things will not matter because we will all just die. I know that you have to live life to the maximum and have no regrets etc. etc. But I really don’t know what I’m doing with my life at the moment. This has led me to thinking so much and just getting in this never-ending spiral of thoughts and end up drained with no life left in me. Basically everyday. I was used to this because it happened so often. Until… today.

So let me give you some background information. I go to a private all girls school. Don’t judge. This school goes completely over the top when you don’t do the things that they ask you to, even if it is a small stupid thing or when you do ONE thing wrong that isN’T EVEN SERIOUS. Okay that is the SOME of the stupid things. They also pay close close close close even more close attention to what you say and force you to tell them the truth about your whole life and tell your parents what you say, often without you knowing about it, resulting in awkward conversations between you and your parents where all you want to do is want to curl up into a ball of misery and die in a hole. Stupid school. 

So I said something, (I wrote it in an exam paper because I didn’t know the answer and was attempting to be funny in some stupid, idiotic kind of way), which the teachers took into completely different context. They were “concerned” about me. First of all I wrote something about zombies eating brains, which when the teacher confronted me found it so hilarious that she couldn’t stop herself from bursting into laughter. (I’m not even joking). Then I wrote something that goes like this “Why do we have to go to school to learn about plants? It’s not like plants have to get up and go to school to learn about humans. It must be fun being a plant. Blowing in the wind. Chilling on my own. Yay.” (It was a biology exam about plants). “Chilling on my own…” In any normal school it would be completely normal, you know kids just messing about and being stupid. But in our school it was not acceptable and “how could you expect any teacher to waste their time marking this rubbish?” Firstly Miss this is not rubbish, it took a lot of effort to think up these things on the spot and secondly this is what you get paid to do stupid.

Anyway the teacher approached me and asked me if there was anything wrong. I automatically said no because I didn’t want to tell her anything that was on my mind and because it was much easier to say no than to explain everything. Then she said to me why did you write this?” and showed me the exam paper. I was like “I dunno.” She read that line out “chilling on my own” and asked “why did you write this? Is there anything bothering you? Did you just need some time on your own and you wanted to get it out somehow?” Wow jumping to conclusions much. I didn’t answer. She then threatened me. I didn’t realise this at the time but afterwards I was just like “did she just threaten me?”  She said “if you did do this as a joke you will be punished and this will be taken further, but if you tell me the real reason because I can clearly tell that something is bothering you, then you will not be punished and no one else will know.” LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL ARE YOU ON MATE?

Obviously because I knew that if I told her it was a joke my parents would get a phone call (they always exaggerate the problem to make it seem like I had killed someone) and I would have to go through the awkward conversations which will end in my getting disowned and thrown out of the house where I will need to go out in the world and fend for myself. So I told her some things. Basically I am going through what people would call the “usual teenage phase” where you go like into this depressed trance and you always wear black and all that shit. (Excuse my language but it really is shit). No I’m sorry but teenagers actually face a really emotional and hard time of their life and it is really frightening phase to be in. For those of you who don’t agree, guess what you can do, oh that’s right, shut up.

So this conversation escalated quickly with her asking questions now purely based on my sanity. She asked me if I was scared, I said yes. She asked what of? I said I dunno. She asked if there was anything bothering me that causes me distress, I said yes. She said do you know what it is? I said no. She said is it how you are feeling? I said yes. She said how are you feeling? I said I dunno. I think you’re getting the picture. See they can force you to speak, but how much you say is up to you. And you wanna know how that ended? I was told that I need to go home, have a think and write everything down that would give her a bit more understanding as to how I was feeling and give it to her.

I kind of do and I don’t want to. I do because I want to get it sorted and I want to feel like I have a purpose to my life (that comes back to my starting point). I don’t because I feel like I’m not going to be the same person or feel the way that I feel if I don’t have them things “wrong” with me. I have learnt to live with the way I am and I have really grown into a better person being the way I am. It is a part of me. Yes it can be annoying or depressing when all you feel is sadness and you feel so low and have no energy to do anything. When you have a fear of your surroundings, the bigger world or just people in general. When all you want to do is curl up into a ball and throw yourself into a ditch. (I don’t exactly know how to pin point everything I feel but that is just some of the things that I know). But it’s really satisfying knowing that with everything going on, you are still surviving just the way that you are.

The last thing that she said to me was that “we are here to support you and help you. You don’t have to feel alone or that you have no one. I will not tell your parents or any one else unless I ask you first. I will never go behind your back.” Firstly BULLSH*T. (Excuse my language) Teachers are told to say that so you feel like you can trust them then all of a suddeN BAM!! They trap you in a hole that is too deep, even you can’t lie your way out of this. That is why it is better to stop before you know things will soon be out of your hands and there is nothing you can do about it any more. I fear that I may be in that deep dark hole. She wants to get me help. The one thing that I feared the most. Getting help. Help. You need help. There is something wrong with you. You need help. YOU NEED HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. HELP. You believe it so much that you convince yourself that they are right and that you do need help. I walked out, took a deep breath and went back to my lesson. Fuck life. No apology for my language, it deserves it.

And to end the longest post I have ever written and took me like 2 hours to write. Here is something that I was thinking about the other day because of something I heard someone say. “Black is not a colour. It is the loss of visible light.”  

My life has no light left in it, therefore I will always wear black.

Thank you for taking the time out to read such a long post. Please feel free to comment on what you thought and maybe some advice that you can give me. It would be much appreciated. Until the next time I can be bothered to write so much.

Wadz x

I am tired…

images-20-jpg1

I am tired, tired of living,
This double faced life,
This pain and this writhing,
Which cuts me like sword and knife.

My smile is all plastered on my face,
Everyone sees and believes all’s fine,
I am not willing to participate in this race,
Of pleasing all with joy on lips of mine.

Let me cry out and the flood of tears flow,
The dam holding my painful sorrows needs to break,
I will die if my pains I hide and do not to show,
Let me die in peace, in deep slumber, where no one comes to wake.

Just let me go! Let the soul fly away!
For its only turmoil, the more here I stay!

S.F.R.

 

Here is the original post: https://rasheedsyeda.wordpress.com/2016/02/09/i-am-tired/