Restless Nights

I’m breaking
I can’t be fixed
I’m missing
But I won’t be missed

Still shaking
From what I fear
I can’t let you in
So don’t come near

I guess you’re right
I’m way too thin
And I’m fighting a battle
That I’ll never win

I have so many flaws
I don’t know where to start
From my fucked up hair
To my fucked up heart

So what’s the point
To continue to fight?
When my restless days
Turn into restless nights

This life hasn’t been fair
I can finally tell
That nobody cares
And it hurts like hell

I still don’t understand
What was God’s cause?
Why did He put me on earth
With all of my flaws?

Was I born just to die?
Am I part of a plan?
Made to finally see
That I won’t die an old man.

I don’t know how to live
I have nothing to gain
And all I want from you
Is to end all my pain

I’m losing sight
Of what I’ve already seen
I’m losing my grip
And I’m barely seventeen

~Pete Sciarrino

-J. B. Priestley

“But just remember this. One Eva Smith has gone – but there are millions and millions and millions of Eva Smiths and John Smiths still left with us, with their lives, their hopes and fears, their suffering and chance of happiness, all intertwined with our lives, and what we think and say and do. We don’t live alone. We are members of one body. We are responsible for each other. And I tell you that the time will soon come when, if men will not learn that lesson, then they well be taught it in fire and bloody and anguish. Good night.”

~An Inspector Calls – J. B. Priestley

Finding out

Hi everyone reading this. Okay so here I am once again typing to you guys with no clear structure of what I’m going to say, but a general idea of what I want to address.

I started a blog to be myself. To be the person that I have to hide to the outside world for fear of being judged or not good enough. I wanted to be the real me for one time in my life and for everyone reading to hear about the person inside. I wanted to say what I feel and for people to relate to what I was saying. 

But when the people who you didn’t want to find out that you have a blog, almost mysteriously find out, you almost lose hope in yourself. I lost hope. I lost hope that I was ever going to be the person that I wanted to be again. I didn’t want everyone to find out. I hate my life and the people in it. So why do I want them knowing about the one thing that keeps me happy or the one thing that I know I can let all my emotions out to? Would they make fun of me? Would they criticise my work or even me as a person? Would they expect me to be the person that I show on here, every other time? Because I don’t want that. I was actually thinking of deleting my blog because I got to know that someone from my real life had found out. 

It’s not that I had a massive problem with that person finding out, it’s just that I didn’t want them to see the real me. All people see me as is that person who likes 5 Seconds Of Summer and penguins. They don’t see me as a person or my real personality. That is why I didn’t tell everyone. I wanted this to be my thing and for me to find people who like what I do and me as a person. 

I hate it when people spread it round like it is a rumour. Like when you find out afterwards that they know, it sends a shiver down your spine because you know that at one point, they were talking about you. What they were saying, you don’t know. But you know for sure that you were the subject of their conversation at one point. Did they take the mick out of you? Did they make a joke out of you? Were they so insensitive that they threw up just thinking about you and what you write about? It can leave you feeling very very paranoid, like it did to me. It was only a simple comment, and a nice one to, but it messed with my brain and my thoughts immediately became a mush. 

If your reading this, because everyone knows that you have found out about my blog. Just think that however you found out about me, you left me feeling distressed. You left me thinking about whether or not I’m doing right by writing this. And you made me doubt myself. And that is ONE thing that I promised myself that I would never do when starting this blog, but what do you know, the people from my real life made that possible. That is one reason why I say that I hate people. Or one reason why I have a ‘fear’ of people and the outside world. Thank you very much for that. And how you can’t exactly blame yourself because you had been told by one of the 2 people that I had trusted. Don’t you worry. I will scream at them for telling you. But your presence around my writing makes me very anxious. 

It may be the fact that I usually write about my personal experiences, and I don’t want the people who think they already know me to uncover another part of my life that I had buried deep within myself. I don’t want you to know basically. I don’t want you to know about the real me or what I do in my spare time. I don’t want you to start feeling sympathetic for me because I don’t need anyone’s sympathy.

I don’t want you to mention this ever again because I will say all of this to your face and you will finally see how wrong you were about me then. For now just stick to the outside person that you know and things will not become awkward or embarrassing for the both of us. 

I don’t think I need to mention your name. You know yourself.

For all the rest of you reading this. Thank you for taking the time out to read one of my many rants and if you think that I was a bit harsh, then please comment and say all the things that was bad about this. If you have any advice or anything else you want to add, go ahead and tell me all of that. I want to know.

Until the next time I can be bothered to type this much.

Wadz x

P.S. I’m eating skittles. The same skittles I once choked on. I never learn.

“People that have trust issues only need to look in the mirror. There they will meet the one person that will betray them the most.” ~ Shannon L. Alder